The Joys of being anonymous

Though my life is totally messed up but i am having this momentarily joy of being anonymous. I can whine, i can swear , i can do what ever i like and i wont be stereotyped. for this is my alter ego , the face of life not everyone knows.

My assignments are due , been out of work and no one to talk to. The one with whom i could be the real me. How good life could be and yes i can say it LOUD and CLEAR. But the fact is i am feeling a kind of content. I am enjoying my streak of continuous entertainment, watching DEXTER. I am done with first two seasons and half way through third. Downloading songs, watching random videos on you-tube, looking around on regular things that look so strange, just to keep the shit out of my head. I left home two years ago and today i am sitting miles away when my family ( ma , dad and my sister and my best friend ) need me the most. I have so much to do that i am overwhelmed. So overwhelming that i cant express myself. Most of people cant do it might be what you will be thinking but this was something i was good at.

This is the first time i am not feeling anything. I have always thought of myself as a FEELER. First i thought it was negative emotions taking toll of my senses but i tried things i am addicted to music but that didnt work , Even Bob Marley , i couldnt even feel his music. Everytime i try to force myself to feel something my brain retorts MEH! My brain has never been such a bitch. Countless blog updates on my anonymous blog, stalking around facebook , stroll in the nearby park on a Saturday night and realizing i was talking to myself out loud. That sucks! My creations are not as feeling-less but whatever this blog has is the most bizzare shit i ever produced.
If there is God or somehow any higher power i want to say

Dude! i am fucked up. Please help

Ps dont mind the grammatical mistakes. if something doesnt makes sense it is not supposed to

Cheers

Arranging Life

I woke up with a massive hangover but i had a determination that i will take control of my life today. Packed all my stuff ,laundry done , closet arranged as a corpse inside coffin. It looks beautiful and calm but we all know its dead.I have deleted my every trace that links me to my past.I always left trails behind me that helped my past follow me. But with my past those trails also were a huge attraction for the sympathizers. I hate such people and i rarely use the word hate. Just to satisfy their own guilt ridden conscious or just to brag their own level of maturity.Even my virtual life suffered from this. A few shit heads will stalk me and try their best to link my every word , my every gesture and my every fukin move to my past.

I am not a social outcast , i am human and as like every human my brain is futile. Most of the times i try not be human. Humans always have a reason or they are looking for it and i don't like doing things for a reason. MAy sound absurd but that's the way I am.

a Simple Pendulum

Its been ages since i let my shit go public. its been ages since i let the traces of either the angel or the devil inside get public. All the while when i was writing stuff about whatever affected my life and people around me thought that was the only face i had. Its been said that nothing in life is permanent. The whole universe changes every second. But for the past few months, i made an observation that stereotypes don't change. i feel people just take me as pessimist who whinges about every damn thing. That really pisses me off as i feel like i never had real friends.In past few years whom i thought were my real friends but i guess they were nothing more than a punching bag, or they were just trying to satisfy the I am a pendulum, i have two extremes and i keep moving to and fro. And like every other pendulum most of my life is spent between the extremes. I sit and stare on the events happening around the ones i didn't had control over.

Finding a perfect answer to every question i have now seems like finding a corner to a perfect sphere.It doesn't exist or its every where.Sometimes i feel like why do i give people so much control over me. Like they tell me what i am thinking or feeling or whatever i do is not right. Two words....

Fuck You.

And now i should stop what u might think as cribbing but which i take as sharing cause again i am on a run to find the corner to this perfect sphere and like a pendulum of thoughts hanging inside my head is again in motion. And welcome to my new alter ego.....

Emotional Parasite

Scars at the front page

Now even a good sleep doesn't helps. All the while for like 3 months it was the only thing that could divert my mind of the questions which just drag me to somewhere which is close to hell. I don't know if it's me or what that my past still lingers in a form I no longer understand. Every morning I wake up with a feeling so empty. The ups and downs just freak me out. It's like at one moment nothing in the world makes sense for you. All you see is that you are alone and only shit has happens in your life. And the very next moment you are the most intellectual person who knows it all. Like a wise man on top of the hill he knows every quote and he can begin again from nowhere. Like a vicious cycle which never stops. Like a brutal battle inside you which somewhere deeper is making you numb to everything. Neither happy nor sad nor satisfied. Like a" I don't know faze" of ones life. I have made a really big mess of my own life and that too in every possible corner of my life. Giving up is no longer an option. I feel like a book which has scars on the first page everyone sees it but noone cares to know what's ahead. i don't want answers cause i know them all actually i want i want i want but i dont know what.

bizarre Ideology

I get this weird enlightenment sort of thing when i ever i am under influence of someone's creativity. Sometimes its like HAllELUJAH! and at others its BULLSHIT. I was watching " SIX FEET UNDER" and Goddamn i just cant stop myself unless i get to the core of the things fucking with my brain.I feel like i am an emotional parasite who has this amplifier which enhances the shit i perceive. I feel like i carry a totally Psychotic , confused, never sure, over-thoughtful(mostly loud) , scared freak who on outside is calm actually numb. I try to grab hold on things like u know ever tried stopping a celling fan with your hand sometimes you are able to do it sometimes you even do it but the moment u loose the hold it moves in direction it is supposed to and i am all like WHAT THE FUCK.

Sometimes i Forget what actually matters what totally doesn't. I try to be good but guys like everyone else i just get pissed off at times and i feel like shoveling shit up there ass telling em that i dont take shit from noone cause i have heaps of my own so why dont you stuff it up ur ass. But that is just for a while thats the inside. You feel like doing it but you don't. I believe in KARMA , i believe in GoD or may be KARMA is my GOD, bt what i want to express is it gives us a choice. One moment you may feel like doing it bt other moment we might regret .

We do have all the positive emotions of love, compassion ,loyalty,....and all the fucked up emotions like hatred ( which is rarest) ,being promiscuous , whinging , and all the Son of bitches emotions which lie somewhere in between which always screw up things and leave no fuking chance in hell to make u a layman and i bet noone wants to be one. And apart of them lies SURITY ( This is the motherfucker ) are u sure about anything Noway. Well i am never. I reach to 90% bt never 100% why coz thats what is something beyond our control so stop fucking with it. I try to do it most of the times and all i get is some FUCKED up shit up my head and that is oh not so great.
so whats my job hmmm I was appointed to think of the shit that was never thought before. i realised this now. The world is screwed up because everything begins with a fuck and the product is usually good unless our sanity goes for a booty call and fucks up again which seriously ends up being WHAT THE FUCK!
so what i do is prevent my sanity fro bein scrwed twice and enjoy insanity of my already once scrwed head and i LOVE it

So....so .so

"MEH!"iology rules i am not sure ....WHAT THE FUCK!

OVER n OUT

Emotional Parasite

Random shiz

well i never thought i will be writing again.
i hate changes. thats how i have always been. and these days i am goin through it excessively. i am not what i was i have changed completely. i miss being my former self but life goes on so am i . i really don't know who i am ,what i want, what am i supposed to do , how am i supposed to react.i don't talk my relatives (close ones) my dearest friends the people who are part of my identity . i really have couple of good friends and they do care for me , a family who thinks the world for me . I agree that i have a certain loneliness but being true this void is much more than a mere relationship.Piffany, this my time for it says Nicole . Whatever am i going through it is creating a fear that eats me up everyday that i may not ever be same again.

i know whatever i said won't make sense to any of you who will be reading this but thats the way i talk these days which i don't do much. i rhyme inside my head every time but u have stopped jotting it down sometimes i come across a few beautiful line but then i am like for what . Money , fame , sucess meant a lot to me but i want peace of mind. i believe in god and i believe that he loves me and he gives me everything i need but he has not given me the thing i want.

i hope my extrovertical faze is over

please do tell me if my thoughts make any sense to you

cheers!

A Nightmare of the cold Afternoon

I just crashed on my bed . i was exhausted to the core . My emotions just ate every bit of energy inside my body. i pulled a blanket over myself i was shivering i pulled another one on me as it was getting worse for me. it was cold outside but not as i was feeling it . My past came infornt of me again. And my memories were forming a vicious circle that were tearing me apart. People do get what they deserve what you sow is what you reap but i dont want that. i forgive whatever they did to me. I don't care about them anymore. This is a faze i thought, this definetly not me but whatever this is it is killing me.

"I am sick of making people understand that i care. The harder i try the deeper i engrave on my skkin that you are alone. I GIVE UP. I cant make anyone understand anymore. Whatever i feel will be inside me. I am Close to my GOD, yes MY GOD , he is mine He is my will my best friend i am not religious. the only religion i follow is not to hurt anyone and sometimes i do end up doing that and i totally don't mean to. That is my spirituality COOL OR UNCOOL thats me.

For the people i care i love you all and i know you understand me. If you say sorry and you mean it you know it doesnt takes me long to forgive anyone but say SORRY only if you mean that. I cant change the future but i can change my KARMA and i will
Hell yeah1 i am alive i am proud to be me. i am true to myself that in itself is like being better than 80% of this world. I am not confused i know what i want. I am rude but true i am Arrogant but loyal I am hurt but brave and most important of all I AM
if love me that is the most cherished thing in my life If you hate me that does hurts me and i do try to change myself for i care but in the end i will end up being ME"

This uneasiness took me out of the bed, with my numb feet i went to the washroom i saw myself and Screamed And lo! i woke up in sweat

This was my NIGHTMARE OF THE COLD AFTERNOON