Scars at the front page

Now even a good sleep doesn't helps. All the while for like 3 months it was the only thing that could divert my mind of the questions which just drag me to somewhere which is close to hell. I don't know if it's me or what that my past still lingers in a form I no longer understand. Every morning I wake up with a feeling so empty. The ups and downs just freak me out. It's like at one moment nothing in the world makes sense for you. All you see is that you are alone and only shit has happens in your life. And the very next moment you are the most intellectual person who knows it all. Like a wise man on top of the hill he knows every quote and he can begin again from nowhere. Like a vicious cycle which never stops. Like a brutal battle inside you which somewhere deeper is making you numb to everything. Neither happy nor sad nor satisfied. Like a" I don't know faze" of ones life. I have made a really big mess of my own life and that too in every possible corner of my life. Giving up is no longer an option. I feel like a book which has scars on the first page everyone sees it but noone cares to know what's ahead. i don't want answers cause i know them all actually i want i want i want but i dont know what.

bizarre Ideology

I get this weird enlightenment sort of thing when i ever i am under influence of someone's creativity. Sometimes its like HAllELUJAH! and at others its BULLSHIT. I was watching " SIX FEET UNDER" and Goddamn i just cant stop myself unless i get to the core of the things fucking with my brain.I feel like i am an emotional parasite who has this amplifier which enhances the shit i perceive. I feel like i carry a totally Psychotic , confused, never sure, over-thoughtful(mostly loud) , scared freak who on outside is calm actually numb. I try to grab hold on things like u know ever tried stopping a celling fan with your hand sometimes you are able to do it sometimes you even do it but the moment u loose the hold it moves in direction it is supposed to and i am all like WHAT THE FUCK.

Sometimes i Forget what actually matters what totally doesn't. I try to be good but guys like everyone else i just get pissed off at times and i feel like shoveling shit up there ass telling em that i dont take shit from noone cause i have heaps of my own so why dont you stuff it up ur ass. But that is just for a while thats the inside. You feel like doing it but you don't. I believe in KARMA , i believe in GoD or may be KARMA is my GOD, bt what i want to express is it gives us a choice. One moment you may feel like doing it bt other moment we might regret .

We do have all the positive emotions of love, compassion ,loyalty,....and all the fucked up emotions like hatred ( which is rarest) ,being promiscuous , whinging , and all the Son of bitches emotions which lie somewhere in between which always screw up things and leave no fuking chance in hell to make u a layman and i bet noone wants to be one. And apart of them lies SURITY ( This is the motherfucker ) are u sure about anything Noway. Well i am never. I reach to 90% bt never 100% why coz thats what is something beyond our control so stop fucking with it. I try to do it most of the times and all i get is some FUCKED up shit up my head and that is oh not so great.
so whats my job hmmm I was appointed to think of the shit that was never thought before. i realised this now. The world is screwed up because everything begins with a fuck and the product is usually good unless our sanity goes for a booty call and fucks up again which seriously ends up being WHAT THE FUCK!
so what i do is prevent my sanity fro bein scrwed twice and enjoy insanity of my already once scrwed head and i LOVE it

So....so .so

"MEH!"iology rules i am not sure ....WHAT THE FUCK!

OVER n OUT

Emotional Parasite

Random shiz

well i never thought i will be writing again.
i hate changes. thats how i have always been. and these days i am goin through it excessively. i am not what i was i have changed completely. i miss being my former self but life goes on so am i . i really don't know who i am ,what i want, what am i supposed to do , how am i supposed to react.i don't talk my relatives (close ones) my dearest friends the people who are part of my identity . i really have couple of good friends and they do care for me , a family who thinks the world for me . I agree that i have a certain loneliness but being true this void is much more than a mere relationship.Piffany, this my time for it says Nicole . Whatever am i going through it is creating a fear that eats me up everyday that i may not ever be same again.

i know whatever i said won't make sense to any of you who will be reading this but thats the way i talk these days which i don't do much. i rhyme inside my head every time but u have stopped jotting it down sometimes i come across a few beautiful line but then i am like for what . Money , fame , sucess meant a lot to me but i want peace of mind. i believe in god and i believe that he loves me and he gives me everything i need but he has not given me the thing i want.

i hope my extrovertical faze is over

please do tell me if my thoughts make any sense to you

cheers!

A Nightmare of the cold Afternoon

I just crashed on my bed . i was exhausted to the core . My emotions just ate every bit of energy inside my body. i pulled a blanket over myself i was shivering i pulled another one on me as it was getting worse for me. it was cold outside but not as i was feeling it . My past came infornt of me again. And my memories were forming a vicious circle that were tearing me apart. People do get what they deserve what you sow is what you reap but i dont want that. i forgive whatever they did to me. I don't care about them anymore. This is a faze i thought, this definetly not me but whatever this is it is killing me.

"I am sick of making people understand that i care. The harder i try the deeper i engrave on my skkin that you are alone. I GIVE UP. I cant make anyone understand anymore. Whatever i feel will be inside me. I am Close to my GOD, yes MY GOD , he is mine He is my will my best friend i am not religious. the only religion i follow is not to hurt anyone and sometimes i do end up doing that and i totally don't mean to. That is my spirituality COOL OR UNCOOL thats me.

For the people i care i love you all and i know you understand me. If you say sorry and you mean it you know it doesnt takes me long to forgive anyone but say SORRY only if you mean that. I cant change the future but i can change my KARMA and i will
Hell yeah1 i am alive i am proud to be me. i am true to myself that in itself is like being better than 80% of this world. I am not confused i know what i want. I am rude but true i am Arrogant but loyal I am hurt but brave and most important of all I AM
if love me that is the most cherished thing in my life If you hate me that does hurts me and i do try to change myself for i care but in the end i will end up being ME"

This uneasiness took me out of the bed, with my numb feet i went to the washroom i saw myself and Screamed And lo! i woke up in sweat

This was my NIGHTMARE OF THE COLD AFTERNOON

randomly overwhelmed

this is not happening. First i make mom upset by telling her that i miss her. Thn i helplessely watch my manager not telling me my next weeks roster ( been outta work for two weeks) thn. To add to the comfort i am not able to concetrate on my three pending assignments due monday.
After a long time i wished to write a poem with happy ending was sick of being poignant for so long and when i continue a happy ending the screen rfreshes and its all gone. i am feeling so bad that this time s,dfhskjlfhs;dh;lgldgsj

i really dont know the way i am feeling

and i said May Be again...

once again i was smitten by a feeling. I know its wrong but once again i was driven by emotions.everything is changing or is it just me. I see a diffrent me everytime i see the mirror.
i am always captivated by the aura around every human being. there eyes and face say almost everything inside them.
may be the notions i get are mere my views but most of the time they prove right.Inutions...


Few live life and a few lead life. I met a leader. A chirpy bubbly face with child like smile and a zest which glows on the face to give the best to every moment. blessed are who live around u.

Never saw someone so obsessed to live someone giving sorrows their best tease.someone facing the world alone and screaming fcuk u all cause i am alive.

But the eyes speak louder. They are not sad infact happier than anyone else. but they gave me a glimpse of a void. The void of bliss. They were carrying zillions of unanswered questions. And when i was reading those questions, i forgot my own self. i was instate of oneness. at that moment i had a many reasons that were enough to piss me off but i was happy for an unknown reason.
i was lost and loving it.

But i committed a mistake. Something inside me wanted to answer them all. i tried to reach out and say it all which could have brought her tears but i was sure of one thing by the time the last tear would have dried it would have given her the bliss she was longing for. But it was all me. i dont know right or wrong but it was me. i dont know what his will is. My sanity has limitations and my existence is mortal but my faith is divine.

Time answers it all. So with a heavy heart i burried those answers and dreams and the Manque moved on thinking May be ....

May Be

Today i had an illusion.An illusion of enlightenment. An illusion of intelligence.Though i know it may last for a moment or few minutes or few hours or even a lifetime. Life is on hold for me today. The world is moving but i am not i am staring at my past and at my future ,swaying back and fro. I am kinda blank kinda out of space.When i look back i think what i lost, what i gained or did nothing happen. Did i ignored too many things or did i gave few things too much attention. people were the same may be it was me who created a mirage.a mirage on which i made castles and carved my fragile dreams on its walls. What is my illusion?

1. GOD :- For me he is one with thousands of form. He has half the number of eyes that see him and believe in him.( it includes the eyes that don't even work). Either he is in me or i am in him. He made my destiny and gave me a free will to choose my path that will in turn lead me to my fate someday someway.No matter how you resist , the more you will the more you hurt yourself. this is what i have learned overtime, may be too early , may be too late or may be i still have to learn.

2. Life :- Its now a journey for me , a journey which now seems so long. Good, bad, worse , worst, better and with an endless hope to make it best.The journey in which i want to carry my world. Doing the things which i am supposed to. The things i am made for, journey which ammuses me everytime when i get bored and teaches me a lesson every day. Learning from a few who pass me by that i have to be my own self. Telling me what i have what i don't , what i should be and what i will never be. They are not always right and i am not always wrong.

May be i am writing this because i think too much or may be i am writing to give myslef an assurance that i am true to  my own self again. No pretending , no hypocricies just a few words from Manque who stood as a layman in crowd and wishes to leave his mark somewhere in this world which maybe cherished by few though for a moment

Adios!